


Honey

by whattheseriousfuck



Category: Some Superdupernatural, We got some Hannibal, Well there is a little bit of every fandom goin' on here, and what might be considered The Fault in our Stars
Genre: Crack, M/M, requested fics
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-01
Updated: 2014-08-01
Packaged: 2018-02-11 08:54:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,436
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2061873
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/whattheseriousfuck/pseuds/whattheseriousfuck
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kyler and Tom go and do some stuff and thangs</p>
            </blockquote>





	Honey

**Author's Note:**

> This story was requested by my friend Kyler. It's going to have some funny stuf, some sweet stuff, and some really fuckin' weird stuff. Be prepared.
> 
> Actual quotes from friend who requested:  
> "Also I want a scene somewhere in the story where me and tom are being yelled at by some random anti gay person and then the Winchesters and Cas beat their ass and dean and cas start to kiss as they drive away in the impala"
> 
> "What I'm saying is that the dinner part is where you can go crazy with crack humor and the rest of the story have regular humor.” 
> 
> Not actual quotes from friend who requested:  
> "I suck."
> 
> So I hope this is everything you expected Kyler. ENJOY.

“HONEY!” Kyler yelled as he spilled a bottle of honey on their youngest child, Lily.

“WHAT?” Tom shouted back from the living room.

“NOT YOU HONEY, HONEY HONEY.”

“Oh…Well why are you yelling about honey, honey?”

“I just spilled some all over our daughter, it was a warning! I was hoping she could save herself before it was too late.”

“You spilled honey on Lily?!” Tom questioned standing up and walking to the kitchen.

“I just explained that, yes.” Kyer said picking her up and resting her on his hip.

“Dad. Why am I all… _sticky_ …?” Lily whined putting a hand in her hair and pulling it back out, a string of honey sticking to her hand.

“Because he’s dumb.” Tom said sarcastically, smiling at Kyler and taking her out of his arms. “But now I need to give you _another_ bath today so…yay for that right?” Lily shook her head back and forth stubbornly, “So are you just going to be sticky all day?” She nodded up and down, not wanting to talk.

“Well, I guess you will just get attacked by bees then…” Kyler shrugged “I mean, bees love honey. Right?” Lilys’ eyes widened in fear.

“Maybe I _can_ take a bath…” She agreed finally.

“Smooth. Real smooth. Just scare the children into bathing themselves.” Tom criticized.

“She’s five.”

“So?”

“She won’t remember this.”

“I will.”

“You didn’t see anything.”

“All these years and you still reference Madagascar...?”

“Again. You didn’t see anything.”

“Ugh. So am I giving her a bath or are you?”

“Let’s leave her to Bre to deal with, let her stress about getting the honey out for us.”

“That’s cruel and unusual punishment.”

“Yeah but last time she babysat she pumped our kids with candy and oreos then left us to deal with their sugar rush. She deserves it.”

Tom considered what Kyler had said, he remembered how long it took for them to crash, how many laps they ran around the house, because of the sugar rush she had ensued.

“Okay yeah. Let’s make her do it.”

“That’s my man.” Kyler took Lily and put her on the ground, “Go play, but **DO NOT** touch anything. Bre will be here any minute and she’ll help you with your bath.”

“Bre’s coming?!” Lily asked in excitement.

“Bre will be here?” Their son, Tyler asked as he ran into the kitchen.

“Yes, and you two will behave this time.” Tom answered.

“We behaved last time!” Tyler pleaded.

“Maybe while she was here but not when _we_ got home.” Tom said.

Tyler and Lily looked down at the ground, remembering their bad behavior. Suddenly there was a knock at the door. Lily and Tyler ran to open it.

“Breeee!!” They both screamed. Breanna opened the door and was practically tackled by the two kids. She laughed and picked them both up in her arms.

“Wass up, lil’ chitlens?” She asked.

“I have sticky stuff in my hair and you have to get it out.” Lily yelled happily.

“Well yay for me!” Breanna cheered. She then looked to Tyler, “What about you squirt?”

“I lost a tooth yesterday and the gums there bleed when I try to eat on that side of my mouth!” He gleamed.

“Haha. That’s gross.” She smiled and out them down, “I gotta talk with your dads now though so go fiddle-fart around or somethin’.”

“Bye!” The kids yelled as they ran out of the room.

“Hello boys.” Breanna said after the kids ran into the living room.

“Hey Bre. Sorry about Lily’s hair. Kyler spilt honey all over her.” Tom explained.

“Well that’s stupid Kyler.” Breanna said.

“Shut up Bre. Have fun getting it out.” Kyler quipped.

“You don’t want me to have fun. You just like to watch me suffer.”

“Yeah that’s kinda true.”

“You’re just jealous your kids like me more.”

“Oh bitch it’s o-”

“Okay okay. Calm down you two.” Tom interrupted. “I don’t understand how you two have been friends so long, you just call each other rude names and swear.”

“It’s how we bond.” Breanna said, “Anyways though, uhh…is there anything I should have them do? Do I take them somewhere? Do they have homework? What’s the deal today?”

“Don’t take them anywhere; every time you do you get them in trouble.” Kyler clarified.

“Name one time.” Breanna asked, putting a hand on her hip.

“Time before last you took them to the mall and rode around on a shopping cart you found in the grocery store next door till you were kicked out.”

“Oh yeah…Did you know that the mall actually does have a tiny jail cell in the back?”

“No. I didn’t…” Kyler glared.

“They can only hold you in there for so long, it was fun though. We played tic-tac-toe on the floor.”

“Are you telling me that you got our kids put in mall jail?”

“I thought I told you already?”

“You must have…left that detail out.”

“…Huh…” Breanna shrugged, “Okay so stay at the house, and judging by your rage induced voicemail last time no sugary foods either?”

“Yeah.”

“Okay, well you two go get ready for your night out and I will go put Lily in the bath.”

“Thank you.” Tom said. Breanna nodded as she headed down the hall. They heard a muffled _‘Yo blondie.’_   from the bathroom and little feet running to greet the voice.

“So. Date night.” Kyler said, leaning against the counter.

“Yep.” Tom replied, smiling.

“Got any plans?”

“Yeah, I was thinking we could go to the movies.”

“What will we do for dinner?”

“I don’t feel like going to a restaurant, we’ll just heat up those leftovers in the fridge.” Tom said, “Come on, let’s go get dressed.” They both walked out of the kitchen to their bedroom. Tom dressed in dark blue pants, a black tee-shirt, and a blue denim jacket. Kyler put on a grey button up shirt, and a pair of jeans. Both of them combed their hair and walked out of their room.

“YO BITCH!” Kyler yelled.

“WHAT?” Breanna replied from the bathroom, knowing he was talking to her.

“WE ARE GOING TO HEAD OUT! DON’T MESS ANYTHING UP!” Kyler continued.

“AND DON’T CURSE IN FRONT OF THE KIDS!” Tom added.

“YOUR MAN JUST CURSED THOUGH! WHY CAN’T I!?”

“BECAUSE YOU GET TO CREATIVE WITH IT. WE DON’T NEED THE KIDS PICKING UP ON _THAT_ SIDE OF YOUR VOCABULARY TOO.” Tom answered.

“YEAH OKAY THAT MAKES SENSE. BYE YOU TWO LOVEBIRDS! Lily say bye!”

“BYE!” Lily yelled from her bath.

“BYE KIDS BE GOOD, DON’T USE BRE AS A ROLE MODEL!” Kyler bellowed.

“SHUT YOUR CAKE HOLE AND GO BE ROMANTIC.” Breanna replied, as Kyler and Tom walked out to their car.

\---

Tom drove and Kyler sat in the passenger seat as they made their way to the movie theater. They parked and got out of the car.

“So what do you want to see?” Tom asked.

“I don’t care. Is there any good ones out?” Kyler replied.

“ _The Fault in Our Bananas_ by John Greenapple just came out.”

“Let’s see that one then! What’s it even about?”

“I don’t know, metaphors or something.”

They got their tickets outside and went in.

“You want any popcorn?” Tom asked.

“Uh...yeah. Of course I want popcorn!”

“Oh okay then!” Tom walked to the counter and ordered, “Can I get an extra-large tub of popcorn, two medium slurpies, and two bags of pretzel m&m’s.” Tom looked back at Kyler and smiled, “Do you want anything?” Kyler just laughed. Their order was ready and they left. They handed their tickets to the person behind the podium.

“That’ll be the third door on your left.” The man told them.

“Thank you.” Tom told him as they took their tickets back. They walked into the packed theater and somehow found a seat in the middle.

“We must’ve got here late or something, this place is packed.” Kyler whispered to Tom as he put rested the popcorn in between them.

“It’s starting.” Tom said as the lights dimmed.

“Thank you, Captain Obvious. I had no idea that’s what the lights turning off meant.”  

“Oh shut up.” Tom said as he put a piece of popcorn in his mouth and smiled. Kyler grabbed Tom’s hand and smiled back. They held hands throughout the whole movie, and only cried a ‘little’ when Agustus Watermelon died and Hazel Grapes mourned him. The movie ended and the credits rolled.

Tom began to stand up, “Okay, Let’s g-” he was interrupted by Kyler who grabbed his sleeve and pulled him back into his chair.

“I’m not going out there looking like this.” Kyler explained, covering his face.

“What did your mascara smear or something? Hahahaha.” Tom teased.

“No,” Kyler took his hands from his face, “But my eyes are all red!”

“Darling, for one your eyes aren’t red at all. If you wouldn’t have said anything I wouldn’t have noticed. Two you cry all the time why does it matter?”

“I don’t cry all the time!”

“You cry when you laugh hard.”

“…Okay yeah…”

“Sometimes Bre tells a joke and sees the tears. She then tells more jokes just to get you to laugh and cry more.”

“….She really does that?”

“Yeah, I think she does it on purpose…I would make her stop but they are happy tears so I don’t…”

“That bitch…”

“Can we leave now?”

“OH! Yeah sorry, let’s go.” They picked up their trash and got up to leave.  They walked out to the car and started driving.

\---

(WARNING: I WAS GIVEN FREE RANGE FOR THR RESTURANT SCENE. I WAS GIVEN THE POWER TO MAKE WHATEVER I WANTED HAPPEN. AS CRAZY AS I WANT. THE DIALOG MIGHT GET STRANGE, AND THE ACTIONS MAY SEEM IRRATIONAL AND UNLIKLY.

YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED. IT WILL ALL MAKE SENSE IN THE END. SORTA.)

\---

Tom drove them all the way across town to an Italian restaurant. Kyler had only been there once before and it hadn’t ended well.

“Isn’t this the restaurant where I found an eye ball in my tomato soup?!” Kyler asked.

“Nah, that was the _other_ Italian restaurant.” Tom reassured, parking the car.

“You sure? This looks like the place.”

“Just trust me sweetie.”

“…Okay…” Tom got out of the car and opened Kyler’s door. They held hands on their way up to the door, when they reached it Kyler became very hesitant to go inside.

“I’m not going in there.” Kyler said, stopping dead in his tracks, “I have a bad feeling about this.”

“Why? It’s just dinner.”

“I just feel like something bad is going to happen when we get in there.”

“I got you okay? You will be fine.” Tom pulled Kyler to him and put an arm around his shoulders.

“Okay.” Kyler took a deep breath and they walked in together. The air felt heavy and the lights seemed too bright. They noticed a sign near the front desk that read _‘Please seat yourselves.’_ Tom and Kyler found a booth in the corner; they sat across from each other at the table.

“What is this music?” Kyler asked, the music wasn’t what you might expect from an Italian restaurant. They didn’t play Italian music, instead it was a low guttural noise, Kyler didn’t understand.

“It’s Tibetan throat singing.” Tom answered him, looking down at his menu.

“Why!?”

“Well why not dear? That’s the question.”

“But it-” Kyler sighed “Nevermind.” He looked down at his menu “There’s only one thing on this menu. Caramel apples.”

“Mine has that too.”

“Well can we order anything else?!” Just as Kyler yelled the words a waitress came up behind him and answered him.

“We serve nothing but caramel apples here.”

“What if I don’t want a caramel apple?” Tom asked, putting down his menu.

“We serve nothing but caramel apples here.”

“Can you say anything else?” Tom questioned her further.

“We only serve caramel. Fucking. Apples.” She turned her head quickly to stare at him. Her eyes were almost completely deprived of color. They were grey and her pupils were white.

“Honey, I want to leave.” Kyler pleaded from across the table.

“Good idea.” Tom agreed. They both stood up to go but the waitress grabbed their shoulders before they could.

“You will stay. You will eat. Then you can leave.” The waitress told them.

“You can’t make us do anything!” Kyler yelled at her.

“Yes.” She shoved Kyler and Tom down into their chairs and held them there. Her empty eyes stared into his, “I can.”

“Babe. Let’s just order something so we can get out of here.” Tom pleaded.

“Fine…” Kyler sighed again, “Let’s get this over with. I will have one caramel apple please.” He handed over his menu.

"What kind of apple would you enjoy.  Also would you like nuts to be crumbled and placed on top of your apple?”

“Uhhh…green apple? And um no nuts.” He replied.

“I am not certain as to what you mean by ‘green apple’.”

“It’s…it’s a Granny Smith. A Granny Smith apple, are you serious? You work in a fucking restaurant that only fucking makes caramel apples AND NO ONE HAS EVER CALLED THEM GREEN APPLES. THIS IS FUC-”

“Kyler calm down.” Tom interrupted.

“Sorry…” Kyler said in a quiet tone. “I would like a Granny Smith apple with no nuts, please.”

“You will get a Granny Smith apple with no nuts.” The waitress replied. “What would you enjoy consuming?” She looked at Tom.

“I’ll have the same, but with nuts.” He answered her.

“We are all out of Granny Smith apples.”

“Then why does he get one?”

“We have one Granny Smith apple.”

“Then we can just split it. I think Kyler can live without the other half and I think I can live without nuts.” Tom answered her; she said nothing in reply but took their menus and went to the kitchen. Kyler snickered at what Tom said.

“What are you laughing about?” He asked.

“Hehehe…nuts…hehehehe.”

“Ugh you’re like a nine year old.”

“Ew you married a kid? You make me sick.” Kyler joked, Tom just laughed and kicked him lightly under the table.

“So what do you think’s up with our waitress?” Tom whispered.

“Robot maybe?” Kyler whispered back.

“Yeah I could see that. Maybe she’s possessed?”

“By demons no. Alien life forms, maybe.” Just as Kyler said it a covered bowl was dropped in between them.

“Your dish has been prepared.” The waitress droned.

“May I ask who the chief is?” Tom asked.

“No.”

“Why not?”

“I have been programmed not to give you that information.”

“Told you. Robot.”

“Shut up Kyler. Who is the chief, I have the right to know.”

“Hannibal Lecter if you _must_ know.”

“OH MY GOD. LIKE OMG MAN NO WAY FUCKIN’ LIKE WHAT?” Kyler yelled as he pulled the lid off of the bowl. Inside rested a big, veiny, and pink brain. “HOLY FUCKIN’ SHIT LIKE OMG.”

“HEY! YOU SHUT YOUR MOUTH HOMOSEXUAL. I AM TRYING TO EAT MY FOOD WITHOUT HEARING ALL YOUR GAY.” A customer from across the room yelled. Unexpectedly a large black car burst through the window and ran the man over, killing him dead. And not just a little dead, like a lot dead. 102% dead is what he was. BUT in the car were three familiar faces. Sam and Dean Winchester accompanied by their trusty dusty angel man Castiel.

“What. The. Fuck.” Kyler’s jaw dropped, “Is this like some poorly written fanfiction where fucking anything could happen?!”

“YES!” Dean Winchester yelled from the window of the Impala, “IT IS. AND LIKE MOST FANFIC I AM TOTES GAY.”

“I AM IMPARTIAL TO SEXUAL ORIENTATION.” Castiel added before they both slipped back into the car and aggressively made out.

“I’M JUST HAPPY I GET TO DRIVE.” Sam yelled before slamming the gas pedal and spinning out of the restaurant. “WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!”

“GET THEM!” Their waitress yelled. Hundreds of women, who were identical to the first waitress came flooding out of the kitchen and chased the car down the road. “USE THE LEMONS IF YOU NEED TO.” All of the clones stopped, ran back to the kitchen, and ran back out. Each of them now held a lemon. They tripped over each other in a stampede. Some did not run as fast as the others and got trampled under their fellow robot minions, their parts were ripped to shreds and flew through the air and piled up on the floor.

“WHAT IS HAPPENING?” Tom screamed, tears streaming down his face.

“I DON’T KNOWWWWW!” Kyler yelled back.

“MY LEG!” They heard faintly in the distance.

The robots kept coming out of the kitchen for seven minutes before they finally thinned out and eventually stopped.

“WHAT THE FRICK FRACK TITTY WACK WAS THAT!?” Kyler screamed in horror.

“WATCH YOUR LANGUAGE SONNY.” A grandmother yelled at him, covering her grandchildrens’ ears.

“Sorry. WHAT THE FRICK FRACK TIC-TAC DIDDLY SMACK WAS THAT!?”

“Better.”

“WE NEED TO GET OUT OF HERE!” Tom shouted.

“I KNOW WE SHOULD.” Kyler yelled back.

“THEN LET’S GO.”

“OKAY. I CAN DO THAT THEN.”

“THEN DO IT.”

“I WILL.”

“GOOD.”

“YEAH IT IS GOOD ISN’T IT?”

“YES IT IS.”

“YEAH.”

“YEAH.”

“SO DO I GO THROUGH THE DOOR ORRRR…?”

“OR WHAT?”

“THE UH…HOLE IN THE WALL….”

“OH UHH I…I GUESS THE HOLE?”

“OKAY COOL…I’LL DO THAT THEN…”

“GOOD.”

“YEAH.”

“YEAH.” Out of nowhere, a very small explosion went off on the roof, followed by swearing and what sounded like children giggling. Another explosion went off but this time it blew through the ceiling. From the hole three people in duck costumes fell through and onto the floor. One duck/person was adult sized, the other two seemed to be children. The larger one pulled out a plastic gun and started yelling.

“ABAJO EN LOS CONSOLADORES MASA. ESTO NO ES UN ARMA FALSA.” It bellowed, pointing the gun at the unamused cashier. “VIENE EN USTED LA CARA DE QUESO ESTÚPIDO.” It turned to look at the customers and…

“Kyler? Tom?” The duck took off their mask.

“BREANNA!?” Kyler yelled. “YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO BABYSITTING.”

“I am.” Just as she said it the two smaller ducks took of their masks to reveal they were in fact Kyler and Tom’s kids. “I just brought them with me.”

“WHY DID WE HIRE YOU OH MY GOD.”

“I work for free.”

“Oh yeah...Well uh… Carry on.”

Breanna smiled and put the mask back on, “TIRAR EL DINERO EN LA BOLSA.” The kids put their masks back on and held up bags for the cashier to put the money in. The cashier cowered and threw handfuls of cash into their bags. Moments later another car burst through the other wall, a cop car.

“Put your hands above your head where I can see them!” The sheriff yelled, pointing his gun.

“Jaja usted tomó el tiempo a traducir este o usted hablar Español. Que pudiera decir cualquier cosa  aquí. Pene.”

“I don’t speak Spanish, no hablan Español!”

“I said ‘we are not the criminals here, the chief is a cannibal!’”

“Oh my god.” The sheriff and his deputy ran into the kitchen, “It’s Sheriff Grimes mothafucka’ get on the ground.” The cop yelled at Hannibal.

“Why did you take me here?” Kyler asked Tom as Breanna and the children ran out of the restaurant holding bags of money.

“Honey?” Tom asked.

“That’s why you took me here? Honey?”

“Honey?!”

“What are you talking about?”

“KYLER!”

Kyler woke up in bed to Tom shaking his shoulders and screaming his name. Kyler grasped Toms hands, realizing that it was all a dream.

“What just happened?” Kyler asked in a daze.

“You started screaming in Spanish about ten minutes ago, I’ve been trying to wake you up ever since.” Tom replied, his voice comforting.

“It was all a nightmare?”

“Probably. We came home from the movies, Breanna went home, and the kids were already asleep so we went to bed too. Are you okay? You’re hyperventilating.”

“I think so…I was just having a…..I guess you could call it a scary dream?”

“Well this is real life now, I’ve got you.” Tom laid down next to Kyler and wrapped an arm around his waist.

“Thank you.” Kyler rested his head on Tom’s chest and breathed in heavily.

“No problem honey.” Tom said as he wrapped his legs around Kyler’s and pulled him closer. After a few minutes of silence Kyler spoke again.

“Can we fire Breanna as a babysitter?”

“No.”

“Damn.”

And they went to sleep.

**THE END**

**Author's Note:**

> So that was it, I'm crossing my fingers that it was good enough and that you liked it.


End file.
